We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
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