i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
