I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Pants are for mortals
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
