Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
