never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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