you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
