bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
