I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Randomize
