I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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