this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
