I'm going to jail i love you
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
