I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
