He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
