I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
