It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Is Oprah even human
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
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