at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
