Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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