It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
