the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Randomize
