If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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