I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore