You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you didnt know i had herpes?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
