I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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