haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
