We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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