i came on her dog
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
