every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
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Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
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MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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