She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
