When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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