So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
