when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
