Michael Bay diarrhea
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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