i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
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How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
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You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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