It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
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In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
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I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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