my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
