im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
