Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Hippo gnu deer
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
