apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
