i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
