Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
