remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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