If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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