I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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