if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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