The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
