its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
