Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
