I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
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I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.