Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
