I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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