She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Randomize
