if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
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