just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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