Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Randomize
