I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
