Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
