Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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